Recently I reminisced some of the loveliest moments that I’ve had in 2014, and those made me think that the butterflies inside me before were all for my excitement for fangirling. Now, or a day before another #PhoenixLiveInManila I realised that the butterflies were now about the frequent anxiety attacks that I have been experiencing recently. It’s kind of sad because I miss that certain fun in me–the person who is simply half full and not half empty that I am now.
Phoenix Live in Manila 2014
I know that was a dramatic start for this entry and I am actually afraid of what people might think if I share this. You know, in my country stuff like this is often look down, so I really don’t know how the whole thing works if you talk about this. But anyway, I don't know where I first felt my anxiety, but the attacks got stronger during the time that I was about to interview someone for A Convo With You. Honestly, up until now I am still ashamed for the fact that I was the one who kind of cancelled the interview, well the person we’re supposed to interview was having a launch event of her product that time and all I want once I entered their place was to hide as much as possible, that time I felt like I did not belong, I was suffocated in a place that I should know was safe. I wish it did not continue, but it did up until last Tuesday evening.
Tuesday evening was the night of Phoenix, slash my second favourite band ever, the first time I saw them was in 2014, on where I know I was completely happy. Yes, I was supposed to back out watching them this year in Manila and for some sad reasons, it is because I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep, but I said “Whatever, nothing’s gonna happen with you in there.” So there, I confirmed my presence and just took the chance to see them for the second time around. After all, they’re Phoenix, and it will be an amazing show.
The moment came and I found myself in line and heard someone called me, I saw it’s a friend of mine whom I met during the #PhoenixLiveInManila 2014. For some weird reasons I got so scared to socialise, it felt like it’s my first time getting to know the person again. Yes, again, I wanted to hide. However, we really had a good talk, but I was still worrying on how to keep the whole conversation going. Once we entered the venue our talk was cut short though because our ticket designations were different. Minutes after a friend of mine texted me as well that he saw me, so I just talked to him the entire night as well. And guess what, the feeling of unease was still there haunting me like a ghost who was never in peace. Those times made me think, where will this anxiety ever stop, is this really anxiety or is it just all in my mind? It’s tiring because happenings like that were really a lovely thing for me, but now the whole catching up exhausts me, I know the last time I felt this moment was during a sprint that I had for my training when I was still a swimmer.
Minutes before the event I wish it will stop.
I know it will stop.
It should stop.
J-Boy then started playing, the screams were louder than ever. Phoenix is back, they’re on stage, and I’m feeling nauseous. “Why, why now?” I asked myself. If only I could curse, but I wanted to run to the back, but my friend was there and again, it’s Phoenix, I wanted to join the fun. Being there was an incredibly fun experience because I will finally be hearing them live once more. It’s still my life, the chaos, the loud crowd, I still love it, but I’m shivering because I am simply just scared all the time. I don’t know why, but I am scared for a million reasons in my mind. Then they sang Rome, my favourite Phoenix song ever, this brought me so much memories again. I love hearing it live, because of the good cathartic stories that are embedded in that song (at least for me). It’s a sad one I know, but unlike Rome, my love life is definitely going perfectly good (well not perfect, because nothing is anyway), but my love for myself is still in the trashcan and is still easy to ignore.
The encore continued and the confetti rained once more while vocalist, Thomas Mars, was one with the crowd. It was just like the “historical” 2014 confetti moment of #PhoenixLiveInManila, though this time the crowdsurfing moment wasn’t as perfect as before, but it was the perfect ending to my hopeful self. Ti Amo Più indeed, Phoenix. You guys made me forget the misery in my mind even just for a bit.
When the show ended, we tried waiting for them to take photos once more, but I guess that wasn’t my life anymore, so I left immediately, I wish I will be oh so excited again to meet them and not spread negativity in myself. I hope this will stop, I don’t know what’s in my mind, and sorry because there will not be a good ending for this story. I am not saying I did not enjoy it, because I really loved every bit of it, I just wish the fun in me will be back, if not soon, someday, maybe when there’s peace again.
See you again soon, Phoenix. I may be drowning in my weird self, but you guys are still the best. Till the next one!
P.S. Sorry to (sort of) disappoint you, I tried to make it a fun one, but I'm also not in my best state right now. Anyway, thanks to Karpos Multimedia for bringing them here once more.