Writing this letter and putting my thoughts into words that I know I am scared to face for the past months is truly one of the boldest actions that I had to face in my present life today. Two months ago, I found myself in a situation of not knowing what to do once more, like I just graduated from university and afraid to see what this whole life has in store for me, and that’s when my thoughts of moving to Siargao emerged (which I later on said no to, not because I am not ready but because I know I will just try so hard to fit in to a world that I know I still not belong with this time). I barely talked about my day job in this online world of ours neither does Bart, we just think that it is not of importance for everyone. However, as I start this letter I wanted to say that it will be in three long parts: my resignation, my hibernation, and my season of spring that could only be found in my thoughts.
In the final months of 2017 I have struggled with staying for a company that I know I am falling out of love with, I have loved the people, what it’s fighting for, and of course the sceneries that I know I might not bother seeing if not for my day job. It was a sad thought to think about it now, because I was burning with passion when I first started working with this very first formal job of mine and I did not want it to end the way everything ended, or at least that’s for me. Like any end of the job story, I got lazy and for me, it was super unfair already for the company that I was working for, which is why I decided to leave.
The very last project that I did with them was in Siargao, one of the country’s best group of islands that will simply move you. I was lucky enough to write for some of the islands that it consists and I am utterly thankful for the company that I have worked with for giving me a chance, not just to go there but to also ponder more on my life. When we were here most of my colleagues asked why I was leaving and of course, I only said the partial answer because I know that it is not about being unhappy, but it is about losing passion on something that I once loved doing. And like the waves of Siargao, I know I just needed to go with the flow to standup once more and learn to balance life as I learn more about myself.
On Getting Lost With My Own Waves
Right after our Siargao project, I then left and hibernated–I did not post anything on my social media, I barely updated my friends about my life, and basically I disconnected with technology except for speaking with Bart and my parents. In that moment, I knew it will make me happier because I had less interaction with the lives of other individuals that I felt are making me evil, and that’s when it sparked, I was being so judgemental too which is why I left my job. I did not want to face the social media accounts that I used to handle, I just wanted to leave social media and shut my life completely. However, I also knew that my life does not work that way, with Conversations of Us and managing a long distance relationship all I could do is to lessen my presence online, to at least hide most parts of me in the corners of my room, on the paths I walk on, and with the people that I interact personally.
Those two months became my support; it fueled my rustic brain with better things to do and it made me see that I truly need serenity in my life even though up to this moment that I am writing this, I still struggle being completely zen.
On The Spring That’s Only In My Mind
Lately, I have been obsessing so much about the four seasons that most experience, thus, the creation of Your Letters: Spring. I recently find it amazing on how one’s mood could instantly shift with how the universe is making us feel about its own surroundings, even though you only have two seasons like the Philippines. Yet with all these ramblings, I still felt spring is here for me, maybe not physically but the whole feel of it is here, on where the hopeful days are back and I should start moving once more.
Roadblocks definitely became present as I find my motivation to get to my goal and one thing that Bart also made me realise along that way was I wasn’t contented or I don’t know how to simply feel contentment in simple things in life–that I always strive for more. Don’t get us wrong, but I get it, it isn’t about dreaming big is not right, but knowing what to prioritise and throw away are just two that I have struggled to work with every single time. I am still lost up to this moment, yet I know I will get to where I will be. Things may never be easy but I am slowly learning. I am in no position to give a thought to ponder as well, but if there is one thing I have learned with all these it’s that I need to learn more about myself as I try to grow and be a better person for my own.
P.S. Listen to Ribs by Lorde, it’s my song for this letter.