Disclaimer: As you read this, you will finally enter a portion on what’s really going on inside my head for a day-to-day basis for years now. I know other people got bigger problems and I am not presenting to you my problem because I do not see them as one, they’re not sad thoughts either, they’re just thoughts in my brain and those ones are a giant pile of mess continuously piling up. So do not be alarmed, this is how I function. If you also do not like pieces that has no point, close this window now because there are better articles/blog posts online and this is not one of those.
Have you ever felt that you’re inside a scene of a movie or a television show or better yet a music video? It may be a cliché thought or maybe it is just me, but having multiple scenarios in my head made me feel like I am functioning more whenever I know I could be in control in making myself feel that everything’s going to be just alright.
Maybe some of you is thinking now that I am just being melodramatic, I know my family might, although maybe I am. I just finished watching Lost In Translation when I started writing an outline for this letter, it was my first time to watch the film and it’s been years since I have been wanting to see it but did not because for me it wasn’t the right time yet and that’s what I feel about most things that could entertain a human being, I only read, watch, or listen to something when I feel that it is the right one that speaks for my present self already. Weird. I know. And after watching the film I was faced with the question “Does it get easier?” and Bob’s (Bill Murray) last response to Charlotte (Scarlett Johannson) after answering her with a series of noes was “The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you.”
But what if I feel everything or at times nothing at all, how will I fully master the art of just letting things be?
As of this moment all I want is to live in the Philippines, my dreams before were blocked with new perception in life but a part of me makes me think that maybe I’m just being one of the normal people that is blocked with practicality and a part of me sees the fact that I am now seeing what really is important for myself. Yet even with this vision, I still dreamt of backpacking and simply not just settling down but as I think of circumnavigating the world, I also thought of another more important issue in my own principles, am I just travelling to see, learn, and experience places? I want to go beyond the norms, I do not want to just travel for the sake of stories and learning something new, I want to travel to see through life as I appreciate more what this world has to offer (both good and bad).
In our last road trip to Baguio, we planned and planned for us to have a plan once we pass by the flooded areas during the typhoon, luckily we didn’t pass by any but one thing is for sure, I now constantly feel like I am part of the bigger problem on where I exploit the Earth for my own benefits in collecting memories of the countries I’ve been to. I also remember being inside the Diplomat Hotel, an abandoned hotel in the province, according to some facts that my mum read, the hotel became a home for disgusting barbaric acts during the second World War, which is why a lot of people say that it is haunted. And yes, I do believe that it is, but most importantly it now houses the ‘what ifs’ and ‘could have beens’ of that era. Due to the series of tragedies (apart from the WWII) that occurred inside this historical place I then told myself that maybe world will truly better to be left at times and that’s when it hit me as I write this, I really should start living because the future is just a big chunk of darkness that we think we have a control of but we don’t.
For the past months and up to this day, I am still experimenting with the slow life by not travelling constantly for quite a while now but even though I am not living in different places for quite some time already I realised that I am still failing at living the slow life due to the online shop that I recently opened that requires constant work. One more thing that is not allowing me for a slow life are the thoughts on the friendships that I lost or slowly losing along the way. I remember seeing a former friend who currently moved to a different continent and will stay there for a few years and I want to share that I am happy for her but I let the fact that I was ignored before so better to not message her anymore. You see my only question for that is what happened and up until now as I see friendships slowly crumbling down in the palm of my hands I ask myself on what did I do wrong to this people, am I really just that that annoying that I could easily be just ignored? If you’re thinking that I am being dramatic, stop, because I am not, just what I said I am only presenting facts and opinions that are floating inside my head.
Speaking of how this shitty mind works, I also feel like these art pieces inside Baguio’s Oh My Gulay, for some they are just random objects, but with me seeing these pieces and interacting with it makes me feel like I have to think beyond everything. I always feel like I have to relate to these pieces that they are actually different worlds with messages waiting to be heard. These whole experience also made me see what I wanted to see for that moment–beautiful and kind of destructive in my head.
What I was trying to say there is that my brain brings me to places that I should not even be thinking but it continuously formulates thoughts that make no sense at all.
Recently I also went through Elizabeth Gilbert’s Facebook page, something that I love because I have always been inspired by her words (sometimes I just read her past posts to feel things and become more motivated) and I stumbled upon her post about Ketut’s passing on where she shared there that it is fine not make sense at times, it is normal, and maybe that is what we need for a certain period in our life as the universe simply creates a path to know what we may be destined to do.
“You will know the call of your destiny, because it will sound insane.” I have always loved those words since the time I have read it, I might have moved around it but I know I am not fully there yet. And I will be ending this knowing that there might be no takeaway in most of the thoughts that I have presented and I hope I could write like Bart, simple but there are lessons embedded in things.
So to answer the question of Charlotte to Bob in my own way now, maybe things will really do get easier, I hope so but I also wish that one day I will just wake up knowing that I have made the right decision in making myself happy.
P.S. If you are so bothered by the alarming thoughts presented in this letter, do not worry, I just have a High-Functioning Anxiety that makes me function this way. It is not a disorder and not even considered a real medical diagnosis but that is how I relate myself to for my everyday life for years now.